Someone asked me what my biggest fear is the other day. I don’t have a particular one. Some people are scared of heights, or spiders or cannibalism but not me. I do have 3 things I am so scared of happening but I know I will grow out of them. The first one is to turn out like my brother. Not a lot of people will understand this type of fear other than my best friend Natalia. We both kind of went through an extremely similar situation which is scary similar but her brother came out of it really differently to mine. Mine still has his ups and downs. I don’t want  to put my mum and dad through what my brother did and I don’t want my little brother to grow up thinking i’m the bad guy. Thats what happened to me. I spent 5 years thinking my brother was the bad guy and it ruined my family. So anything that starts me into that cycle I wont do. I will drink which probably is a bit hypocritical but I don’t really care. I won’t do drugs. I wont smoke. I thought about doing weed especially because my other best friend has asked me before and it always goes through my mind but at the end of the day I wont. My second biggest fear is not becoming a star. I just can’t even talk about how scary it feels in the pit of my stomach if I end up doing a job I hate. I can’t even begin to type how scary that feels. The third biggest fear is loosing my little brother. It used to be loosing my parents but since my little brother entered the world in a way I feel like he is also my child and also my responsibility. I was the first person in the family to hold him and the first to know he was a boy. I don’t think that entitles me to anything but being able to walk into a room and see him smile because he see’s me is the greatest feeling ever possible. I would do anything if it meant he would have perfect happiness even if it meant sacrificing mine. That my lovely followers is love.

Well I saw my ex-boyfriends mum today which was kind of awkward since I’m pretty sure he hates me.

Plus, well his dad died a few years back and I when his dad was really ill so was my mum and so we were in the same predicament because the doctors told me mum was going to die. My mum survived but his dad didn’t and I know that it isn’t my fault at all but for 3 years I felt really guilty, almost as if it was my fault. I don’t know why I just this sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about him and his dad. I kind of cried a little when his dad died. I only met him once for like fifteen minutes but I just felt so sorry for my ex. I don’t even like my ex, he has said some really dickish things, he also dated my best friend after me and then went out with me again and then broke up with me once because he still liked her and all this random shit. I don’t hold a grudge though. I hope he has a good life. After I spoke to his mum I told her to tell him I said hi. I hope she does. I felt really bad and awkward for the rest of the day. I have no idea why. I just did. It wasn’t a nice feeling. I just argh I can’t explain. I can’t imagine what it must of been like for him. If my mum had died and his dad had survived arhg its just too fucked man.

I also found out that my friend rea didn’t mean to unfollow me so YAY. Also my other ex was in today for like the first time in weeks. I missed him so much. AHH AND HE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HIM ITS JUST TOO CUTE. HE IS STILL A LITTLE MAN WHORE THOUGH :D me and my friend marianna were talking about it today and we decided that if we ever wanted to have sex with no strings we would probably end up calling him.

It was kind of funny coz he was right next to us and still didn’t know what we were talking about. When I saw him he hugged me and span me around and I was like awww i love you and your sooo gay.

Planning a drink up for the first week of the summer holidays :D yayay excited I really wanna just get completely wasted. BRING ON THE SUMMER

Since ‘Mans a light weight’ after my first swig i’m probably gonna be drunk

OKAY

If I see another grunge post that uses ying and yang to symbolise GRUNGE and GORE I will seriously have some mental breakdown (obvious exaggeration)

Do you people even know that the symbol means?! I hate how because it may look a certain way people are no associating it next to symbols that mean satan. I don’t care if I am being over emotional I just wish you guys would take the time to think about the thousands of people who live by the symbol of ying and yang. I bet most people who post it think it came from buddhism. Its the symbol for toaism. It symbolises different contrasting forces interlocking to create nature and how we all have some bad and good in us. It represents equality and independence and interconnection.

What does it have to do with bruises, gore, weed and shit. Seriously I love grunge blogs but whenever I see a grunge blog using the ying and yang symbol I really wonder if they even know the sygnificance of it. *le sigh* and * le breath*